It is about time

For a new post. I usually have some ideas randomly hit me and by the time I get to my computer I totally forget what they are. So, I'll just spill what is going on in my head.

1. (Bare with me...I am a little emotional... it is that time of the month). Mr. V is getting better. Slowly but surely. I don't get to hear a lot of complaining anymore from him. At this point, we can go a day at a time without talking about his hands, ears, back, teeth, etc. But there isn't a day where I want to ask for his help and then stop myself because I know if he'll help then it'll set him back again. It is little things like taking out a garbage, bringing extra chairs for guests, bringing laundry, and so on. Being the only man in the house, I am pretty sure he feels sucky that he can't/shouldn't do any of those stuff. I go on for days thinking I am a super human being and that I can do it all by myself. And then I collapse. I get emotional and stressed out. I understand that in reality I can't do it all and I need help. Believe me, it takes a lot to come to terms with that.

2. I've read quite a few posts on husbands, significant others, and potential husband materials and all of the bloggers mentioned how lucky they are to have husbands, their soul mates, their partners in life and they can't imagine their lives without them. Well, of course I start to question my relationship and no good can come from that, just trust me on that one. Mr. V is a very nice guy. He is smart, handsome (at least I think so), honest, could do all the manual work around the house. BUT...he is not 100% perfect and neither am I. We fight, we quarrel, we get angry with each other and don't let go and forget easily. He likes to tell people how to live their lives and I hate it. He likes to comment on my lack of knowledge on a particular subject and i hate it. He likes to comment that I read the wrong books (chick flicks) and I hate it. This whole comment/hate thing can go for pages. So, did I marry the wrong guy who doesn't understand me or all those ladies out there just sugar coat their relationship? This feels like Sex in The City question.

3. I want to feel at least a little bit appreciated and cherished. And maybe he does and just doesn't show it well. I don't need flowers, jewelry, or chocolate, actually scrath that I do need chocolate. A simple Thank You can go a long way. And throw in a few words  like "i feel lucky to have you in my life", "thank you for packing my lunch, cooking dinner, doing and folding nicely my laundry and so on" and you'll win my heart all over again.

4. I was raised in Ukraine where the roles for women and men were basically written in our constitution, j/k.
Men = providers, women = raise children, keep the house clean, and have dinner on a table at 6pm with a plate and a fork on a table. My family was a bit different but that is besides the point. But we live in US now. Where women and men share all of the responsibilities. They both earn $, cook, clean, do laundry, raise kids and so on. WTF is wrong in my house? Yes, my income is slightly lower then Mr. V's but I still bring home a significant amount. Why do I have to be the one doing everything around the house? And then I get to hear Mr. V say "but I cook". Yes, dear, you can BBQ once in a blue moon. And my dearest husband is really good at taking the groceries I've bought without telling me and throwing something together. While I should be thankful (because it also happens once a quarter), I feel angry because I've spent hours looking through the recipes online and getting excited a particular one that my whole family would enjoy.

But Those Are My Words

Lately, my little sunshine has been talking non-stop. It is fun to hear to express herself with words, although every now and then I have to guess what she said. I think she gets a little bit annoyed or just thinks her my is dumb. Relatives and strangers don't even try to understand her. They just look at me for translation.

But anyways, here are a few phrases I've heard in the last few weeks that sounded familiar.

"Mom, shhhh! Daddy is talking on the phone" (Mom, shhh! Papa razgovarivaet) - miss A told me as I was asking her a question and daddy was talking on the phone.

"Mom, don't sing. I sing" (Mom, ne poi! Ya poi) - as soon as I open my mouth to sing a song that she knows, she stops me and wants to sing by herself

"Mom, shhh! Daddy is sleeping" (Mom, shhh! Papa spit) - I've heard this one a few times already, as I sit by her crib and talk to her before she doses off to sleep or if I wake up with her in the morning and daddy is still sleeping.

You know why those phrases sound familiar? Because I've said them a few  multiple times before.
I can't believe she is using my words against me! :) At least I don't swear in front of her. Although, the husband and I heard a few times a word "fuck" coming out of her mouth. It went something like that "fuck....pause....fuck, fuck, fuck. The husband and I just starred at each other. I am pretty sure  we both blamed each other for her increasing vocabulary (at least I did).

Thursday Random Thoughts

1. This Thursday really feels like Friday. In fact, Wednesday also felt like Friday.

2. I've been feeling guilty for not spending enough time with my baby girl this whole week. It so happened that the husband would come home earlier or worked from home and was entertaining our little munchkin while I prepared diner, cleaned, prepared lunches for next day, prepared clothes for next day, and so on. It felt nice to get some stuff done before miss A went to bed instead of spending 30-40 minutes after she fell asleep, but she no longer wanted to play with me. She totally became daddy's little girl. They would play together, put puzzles together, color, dance, and play hide under our comforter game (not my idea but she had fun). It is so great to see them play together but I miss her. I miss her running towards me and asking me to play with her. The last few days, she would come to her daddy, grab his hand, say "bye momma", and off they would go.

3. It is my dad's birthday in a few weeks and I can't believe I've waited this long to think about his celebration and gift. He is turning 65 this year. For his 60th, we had a huge party with guest coming over from all over the world. We booked a nice restaurant, I've put together a presentation with photos starting from his childhood until his 60th bday, I've asked guests to sign the custom plate that he would keep for memories. I've designed, printed, and labeled small little vodka bottles as a party favor for all the guests. Honestly, it was like a wedding prep all over. But this year, we won't have guests coming. It'll be just us. I really need to think of something memorable for all of us to do.

4. Thankful for AAA. Last night I had a flat tire. Sucks! AAA came to the rescue though!

5. Tomorrow is a girl's night out and I have want to go but at the same time I don't. As much as I would like to sit around, drink wine, have yummy food in the back of my mind I'll know that I'll need to get up at 7am the following day for miss A's gymnastic class. No way we could skip it. The baby girl waits for it all week long. Plus, random question pop into my head. Do I come home from work? Do I stay at work and ask my parents to pick her up? Sounds like a great idea because I can hit the gym or go shopping before the dinner. But then the guilt creeps in again...

Fast Speed and Stop Sign

The husband and I recently noticed that all of our friends' lives are moving at the speed of light comparing to our family situation. Let's just say we hit the brakes and have been parked on a stop sign for quite some time now.

Let's see...we've been hearing all sort of things happening - getting into a top graduate school, completing Master's degree, buying a house (very nice houses since the prices dropped and it is a good time to buy), buying new cars, boats (yes, you read it correctly, husband's friend bought a boat), getting new jobs, going on luxury vacations and so on. I am not jealous at all. In fact, most of those people deserve all of those great things happening to them. But I can't help but think.....we've had plans too and none of them are coming alive.
1. We've planned on getting a new house but we are stuck. We are upside down on our current house.
2. I've planned on getting into a grad school but lately I've been leaning towards not going that route. I can't work full time and take evening classes. The husband comes home late and can't really do anything because of his medical condition. Who is going to pick up miss A from daycare? Who'll cook? Who'll feed them? Who'll clean-up and wash the dishes? Who'll do laundry? Who'll sleep for me? When will I have time for homework? I do all those chores, some of them daily and some of them weekly, but there is no one else to do them for me.
3. I've planned on getting a new job. Well, as of yesterday I started sending out resumes. At least I've started...

I keep telling myself that my family's health is the most important part and everything else comes after it. It doesn't matter if we get a bigger house, if we buy a new car, if we go to Europe, or if I get a higher paid job. All of those things would be nice but are not a necessity.

Random Thoughts

1. We've got a little chatter box in our house now. Yes, miss A repeats everything she hears. She tells me how her day went, who she played with at daycare, if she is wearing her big girl underwear, if she pooped today, and so on. All of her stories are told in a very artistic tone, with a lot of acclamation points and articulation. She is my little Hollywood star.

 2. Some words are not meant to be repeated. F**K. I don't remember saying it in front of her, but I could've slipped when something didn't go my way. We were getting inside the house and miss A dropped something. She said f**k and picked up her item. The hubs and I looked at each other in shock. I asked him if he heard what I heard. But before he had a chance to reply, my little lady repeated the word 3 more times - f**k, f***k, f**k.

3. The husband called me paranoid and I totally deserve it. After watching the news and reading some articles online, I can't help but get paranoid about something happening to my family. Random questions pop into my head and I just can't help it. What if someone gets into our house? How can I protect miss A? Will I have my phone to call police? Car accident? Earthquake? Lunatics walking on the streets? Maybe I should stop watching/listening to the news for some time...

 4. The husband and I went out last Saturday to celebrate our friend's birthday. He had his bday at the new restaurant. It was nice to get out of the house, dress in nice clothes (although I wasn't a big fan of my outfit), socialize with friends, and have two three glasses of wine. And did I mentioned dancing? Becase we totally did! Fun times!

5. I think I have a shopping obsession. Online shopping that is. Since I don't have time to go to the store, I tend to buy things online. My cubicle last week was covered in boxes. From toilet paper to shoes...you name it. In fact, I have 4 pairs of shoes in my shoppincg cart right now that I've been thinking of getting...Every time I think I've done enough damage to my bank account, I see something else on sale I want to get.

6. I need to get a haircut. I've been calling my usual hair dresserer but she is not picking up the phone. I've read reviews on yelp but I am afraid to experiment with new people. Last time I did that, I came home crying because he cut my bangs way too short!

7. I've been thinking of doing laser hair removal again. I did it before miss A was born and let's just say some areas of my body NEED to be treated.

Flashback

As I grabbed my purse, car keys, cell phone, and company checks, I totally forgot to use the restroom. I've parked at the mall where I usually deposit company checks and decided I couldn't hold it anymore. I turned around and went straight to the lady's room. And there, as I locked the door and looked around the dirty "white" walls, I remembered that almost three years ago, I was in the said restroom confirming my BFP by peeing on a digital test that I got next door to Walgreen's and just couldn't wait to pee on. Sorry for TMI but it is my blog and I can totally write what I want :)
I remember all kind of feelings rushing through by body - fear, excitement, anticipation... I remember walking back to work and looking back at the magical word PREGNANT and I just couldn't stop smiling. I didn't care if people on the street thought I was crazy. I was happy. It was one of the most memorable days in my life.

I am emotional and depressed right now.

Lately, I've been hearing a lot of phrases like "_____ person is in the hospital", "_____ person has a life threatening sickness", and "_____ person passed away".
As I type this blog, husband's grandfather is in the hospital and will most likely stay there. At this point the doctors can't really do anything. Mind you he is 102. I realize not a lot of people are fortunate to live that many years. But I can't help to get sad. I've known this person for over 8 years. I've seen this person on every family occasion. I've witnessed this person get old.

Lately, some of our friends and acquaintances have lost loved ones. It breaks my heart and always brings tears to my eyes. I don't know...I just don't want to even think about going through something like that. I am crying now... and don't even want to type my thoughts because it creeps me out.