Thursday Random Thoughts

1. This Thursday really feels like Friday. In fact, Wednesday also felt like Friday.

2. I've been feeling guilty for not spending enough time with my baby girl this whole week. It so happened that the husband would come home earlier or worked from home and was entertaining our little munchkin while I prepared diner, cleaned, prepared lunches for next day, prepared clothes for next day, and so on. It felt nice to get some stuff done before miss A went to bed instead of spending 30-40 minutes after she fell asleep, but she no longer wanted to play with me. She totally became daddy's little girl. They would play together, put puzzles together, color, dance, and play hide under our comforter game (not my idea but she had fun). It is so great to see them play together but I miss her. I miss her running towards me and asking me to play with her. The last few days, she would come to her daddy, grab his hand, say "bye momma", and off they would go.

3. It is my dad's birthday in a few weeks and I can't believe I've waited this long to think about his celebration and gift. He is turning 65 this year. For his 60th, we had a huge party with guest coming over from all over the world. We booked a nice restaurant, I've put together a presentation with photos starting from his childhood until his 60th bday, I've asked guests to sign the custom plate that he would keep for memories. I've designed, printed, and labeled small little vodka bottles as a party favor for all the guests. Honestly, it was like a wedding prep all over. But this year, we won't have guests coming. It'll be just us. I really need to think of something memorable for all of us to do.

4. Thankful for AAA. Last night I had a flat tire. Sucks! AAA came to the rescue though!

5. Tomorrow is a girl's night out and I have want to go but at the same time I don't. As much as I would like to sit around, drink wine, have yummy food in the back of my mind I'll know that I'll need to get up at 7am the following day for miss A's gymnastic class. No way we could skip it. The baby girl waits for it all week long. Plus, random question pop into my head. Do I come home from work? Do I stay at work and ask my parents to pick her up? Sounds like a great idea because I can hit the gym or go shopping before the dinner. But then the guilt creeps in again...

Fast Speed and Stop Sign

The husband and I recently noticed that all of our friends' lives are moving at the speed of light comparing to our family situation. Let's just say we hit the brakes and have been parked on a stop sign for quite some time now.

Let's see...we've been hearing all sort of things happening - getting into a top graduate school, completing Master's degree, buying a house (very nice houses since the prices dropped and it is a good time to buy), buying new cars, boats (yes, you read it correctly, husband's friend bought a boat), getting new jobs, going on luxury vacations and so on. I am not jealous at all. In fact, most of those people deserve all of those great things happening to them. But I can't help but think.....we've had plans too and none of them are coming alive.
1. We've planned on getting a new house but we are stuck. We are upside down on our current house.
2. I've planned on getting into a grad school but lately I've been leaning towards not going that route. I can't work full time and take evening classes. The husband comes home late and can't really do anything because of his medical condition. Who is going to pick up miss A from daycare? Who'll cook? Who'll feed them? Who'll clean-up and wash the dishes? Who'll do laundry? Who'll sleep for me? When will I have time for homework? I do all those chores, some of them daily and some of them weekly, but there is no one else to do them for me.
3. I've planned on getting a new job. Well, as of yesterday I started sending out resumes. At least I've started...

I keep telling myself that my family's health is the most important part and everything else comes after it. It doesn't matter if we get a bigger house, if we buy a new car, if we go to Europe, or if I get a higher paid job. All of those things would be nice but are not a necessity.

Random Thoughts

1. We've got a little chatter box in our house now. Yes, miss A repeats everything she hears. She tells me how her day went, who she played with at daycare, if she is wearing her big girl underwear, if she pooped today, and so on. All of her stories are told in a very artistic tone, with a lot of acclamation points and articulation. She is my little Hollywood star.

 2. Some words are not meant to be repeated. F**K. I don't remember saying it in front of her, but I could've slipped when something didn't go my way. We were getting inside the house and miss A dropped something. She said f**k and picked up her item. The hubs and I looked at each other in shock. I asked him if he heard what I heard. But before he had a chance to reply, my little lady repeated the word 3 more times - f**k, f***k, f**k.

3. The husband called me paranoid and I totally deserve it. After watching the news and reading some articles online, I can't help but get paranoid about something happening to my family. Random questions pop into my head and I just can't help it. What if someone gets into our house? How can I protect miss A? Will I have my phone to call police? Car accident? Earthquake? Lunatics walking on the streets? Maybe I should stop watching/listening to the news for some time...

 4. The husband and I went out last Saturday to celebrate our friend's birthday. He had his bday at the new restaurant. It was nice to get out of the house, dress in nice clothes (although I wasn't a big fan of my outfit), socialize with friends, and have two three glasses of wine. And did I mentioned dancing? Becase we totally did! Fun times!

5. I think I have a shopping obsession. Online shopping that is. Since I don't have time to go to the store, I tend to buy things online. My cubicle last week was covered in boxes. From toilet paper to shoes...you name it. In fact, I have 4 pairs of shoes in my shoppincg cart right now that I've been thinking of getting...Every time I think I've done enough damage to my bank account, I see something else on sale I want to get.

6. I need to get a haircut. I've been calling my usual hair dresserer but she is not picking up the phone. I've read reviews on yelp but I am afraid to experiment with new people. Last time I did that, I came home crying because he cut my bangs way too short!

7. I've been thinking of doing laser hair removal again. I did it before miss A was born and let's just say some areas of my body NEED to be treated.

Flashback

As I grabbed my purse, car keys, cell phone, and company checks, I totally forgot to use the restroom. I've parked at the mall where I usually deposit company checks and decided I couldn't hold it anymore. I turned around and went straight to the lady's room. And there, as I locked the door and looked around the dirty "white" walls, I remembered that almost three years ago, I was in the said restroom confirming my BFP by peeing on a digital test that I got next door to Walgreen's and just couldn't wait to pee on. Sorry for TMI but it is my blog and I can totally write what I want :)
I remember all kind of feelings rushing through by body - fear, excitement, anticipation... I remember walking back to work and looking back at the magical word PREGNANT and I just couldn't stop smiling. I didn't care if people on the street thought I was crazy. I was happy. It was one of the most memorable days in my life.

I am emotional and depressed right now.

Lately, I've been hearing a lot of phrases like "_____ person is in the hospital", "_____ person has a life threatening sickness", and "_____ person passed away".
As I type this blog, husband's grandfather is in the hospital and will most likely stay there. At this point the doctors can't really do anything. Mind you he is 102. I realize not a lot of people are fortunate to live that many years. But I can't help to get sad. I've known this person for over 8 years. I've seen this person on every family occasion. I've witnessed this person get old.

Lately, some of our friends and acquaintances have lost loved ones. It breaks my heart and always brings tears to my eyes. I don't know...I just don't want to even think about going through something like that. I am crying now... and don't even want to type my thoughts because it creeps me out.

Thursday Random Thoughts

1. Why do I offer and why do people get advantage.
I've asked my brother last week if they needed help with my niece's 1st bday party. They've ordered catering but asked my mom and myself to cook some stuff as well.
Bro: "So, can you make xachapuri (piroshki with cheese) for the party?"
Me: "Sure. How many?"
Bro: "100"
Me: giggling "That is not funny. Really, how many do you need?"
Bro: "I was not kidding"
I thought a whole of 2 minutes, did the calculation, and replied back saying that I won't be able to make that many. It'll take me 4-5 hours to make 100 pieces. Plus, having a toddler who needs to eat, play, and constantly be entertained.... no way jose.

2. Why do I do this to myself?
I started reading blogs that I follow and sometimes I click on other blogs just to see. I start reading about the pregancy difficulties, terrifying birth stories, children born with special conditions. I freak myself out. I know we don't live in a perfect world and we all have difficulties in life, but every time I read those stories it terrifies me, freaks the shit out of me, and makes me depressed and sorry for those people. And to be honest, I am afraid of those things happening to me. And after those sad thoughts, I don't know if I want to go through another pregnancy.

3. Why is it still dark outside at 5pm?
I am so tired of winter time. Even though it is not cold in Bay Area, it is dark after I get off work and pick up miss A from daycare. We can't go to a playground, park, or to the lake to feed the birds. We usually go home and miss A needs to be entertained. A few hours of being home, my house looks like a tornado just went through it.

4. We've been invited to a bday party. I have a few options - check my closet for an outfit or go shopping. I think like any other girl I'll choose the shopping.

5. As I mentioned earlier, it is my niece's 1st bday party this Sunday. I just looked at the evite list and my "dearest" cousin replied that he is coming. Never mind, that he hasn't yet met miss A and she turned two already. Don't even get me started. At this point, I don't even know how to act around him and his family.

6. I want a clean house. How do I get it? We've hired a cleaning lady and she's been at our house twice already. But I don't feel like it is clean. I feel the urge to clean two days after they come.

7. I want a wife. Yes, a wife who'll be doing things for me, care for me, cook dinner for me, pick up after me, do laundry for me, and so on. I would love to have a full time wife (or assistant). Wouldn't life be easier?

8. I've got work to do but I am soooooo unmotivated.

9. Miss A gets bored with her ToyRUs at home and I am running out of ideas how to entertain her. We usually color, watch cartoons, play with stickers, read books. Lately, her obsession has been a Toy Story puzzle that I picked up at Walgreens for $0.14 cents after Christmas. Who needs expensive toys when you've got super cheap puzzles? She puts it together in 4-5 minutes and then takes the pieces out, rinse and repeat 10 more times.

10. I keep reminding myself to sink in every minute of life and people around. I keep telling myself to be optimistic. It is definitely an area I need to work on. I need to find my happy place.

Thursday Random Thoughts

I've read a few blogs where people just list random thoughts on Thursday and I kind of like the idea, especially since I can't commit to post regularly and have quite a few thoughts currently on my mind.

1. I am emotionally, mentally, and a bit physically tired. The husband has been diagnosed with TOS a few months back. His hands would go numb at night and would hurt when he would lift heavy stuff. After countless amount of doctor's appointments and spending a few grand of $$$, they were finally able to tell he has TOS. I am not going to go into details about it but basically he can't lift heavy items (ex: our daughter, grocery bags, garbage, and so on). He basically can't do anything around the house and pretty much everything falls on me. I am not really complaining. I want him to get better but don't really know how long it'll take. The docs say if he'll continue the physical therapy, doing exercises at home, and acupuncture then it can take up to a year...

2. I am tired...I don't know if I am strong enough...It is definitely feels like a test for me, for him, and for our relationship.

3. Miss A is my little miracle that keeps me going. She is charming, caring, sympathetic, and is turning into such a cute little lady.

4. My BIL and SIL welcomed their second boy on 12/12/11. It is so nice to see their family grow. We know have 2 nephews and one niece.

5. I've been having thoughts about having a second child. I definitely want to have another one but at this point in life, I don't really know if it'll be possible (see #1). If the husband won't get better, then my dreams of having 2 or 3 kids and moving into a bigger house will stay as dreams only and will never turn into reality.

6. This probably should be part of #5 but when I see a pregnant women I get mixed feelings. I am not really a big fan of the whole 9 month pregnancy, 4 months of throwing up, waking up at night to pee multiple times, and the constant worry about the baby inside being healthy. But... but I do love seeing babies born, family growing from three to four, seeing pictures of brother and sisters playing together, and so on. I really hope we'll get a chance to become parents again. Maybe if I'll really believe in it then it'll happen.

7. I can't wrap my head around that it is 2012. Wow... days, weeks, months turn into a year and before I realize that year is gone.

8. I should probably start looking for another job. I am glad to have a job but I don't feel motivated or challenged. Some days would fly by but I can count those days on my fingers on one hand.

9. I really hope my Mom will find a job. She has been unemployed for almost two years. She helped us out and watched miss A after I returned to work and now has been really looking for a job for the last 5 months. It is making her depressed and worried and I don't like seeing her like that.

10. I wish I would have a magical wand to make every one's (well, almost every one's) problems disappear.

Well, there you have it - my random thoughts for today.