Going Through Cycles Again

I still have a few posts to write about our last year's outing and holidays but I just want to take a moment and write about today.

Today is the day AF came. Today is the day we are starting cycle #4 of trying. I know I haven't updated the blog with the news that we've decided to expend our family. But here we are. Three cycles and AF showed up every time. Three cycles and who knows how long it will take. 7 cycles like last time? Less? More? Who knows?

After AF showed up the first time, on that exact day I got a phone call from my brother. They've told us their great news. They were expecting #2 and were already 10 weeks pg. Don't get me wrong. I am happy for them and excited. I hope this time they won't have to go through any complication and will have a healthy baby this summer. A few of my girlfriends are also knocked up with #2s.

Before I got the phone call, I was crushed. I am upset and in denial. For some weird reason I thought I was already pg after the first cycle. For some unknown to me reason I convinced myself that the second time around won't be as long as the first. (Now, I know there are people who go through years before getting pregnant and/or having medical procedures. I know because I have friends like that too. I feel for them). Was I stupid, naive? Maybe. Maybe I was just hopeful.

The first cycle hit me hard. The second cycle was a bit better for me emotionally. I was busy planning Miss A's bday party, a few more bdays were happening, and of course the holidays were coming up. Now that everything is behind us and the New Year has started, I was hoping that cycle #3 was the lucky one. Boy was I wrong again. AF came a day early.

I am charting and last cycle I use OPKs. I am more aware of my body and what it is going through every cycle. I know when the right moment is but we haven't had no luck yet.

I am getting emotional this cycle again (maybe it is the PMS). I feel like my body is way behind my heart and mind. I feel like I am failing my husband who is finally ready to be a daddy again. I feel like I am failing Miss A who is finally ready to have a sibling. I feel like I failing myself. I am putting pressure on myself too. All the thoughts about the age gap getting even larger with every cycle and me not getting any younger, and other random thought are making me stressed right now.

I am staying hopeful that we will get our BFP soon, really, really soon.

P.S. Can't believe I am using acronyms like AF, OPK, and BFP again.