Somebody Slap Me Out of This Stage

Really. I think I need a big slap on my face or a bucket of cold water thrown at me.
This whole TTC process is exhausting my mind. I have to say I am OK most of the day and remain hopefull that the current cycle might be our lucky one. But (there is always a but) there are days when I feel down. There are days when I envy a little all of my girlfriends who are currently pregnant.
 

And I know it is stupid to be envious. I know, I really do! I mean one couple had to wait three years until they got a BFP. Another couple had to go the IVF route. And a few more couples just got knocked up on the first try. I also can’t help my mind to wonder and imagine what life will be like with two kids, how we’ll all need to adjust, how miss A will feel about us splitting our time between 2 kids.

Today is again one of the days when I feel sad. As the days, weeks, and months pass me by, I feel like I get more and more swallowed into the whole TTC process. I am starting to think of new strategies to use (OPK, monitor, temp, and so on) and forget to enjoy the whole process. So stupid but so true.

 

 Hopefully, this too will pass!

Circus Time (12/06/12)

It was a regular Sunday morning. After your Sunday school one of the moms talked about the circus happening that same day. Your dad and I look exchanged a questionable look and headed to the store to see if there are any tickets left. See how spontaneous we can be occasionally? :)

We got the tickets. The task at hand was to have you nap for a little while and then head out to make it on time for a 3pm performance. In all honesty though, who schedules performances during the day. I am pretty sure most of the kids have nap times at that time.

We struggled with nap time. You didn't want to sleep. We bargained with you/. We threatened
 you "if you won't sleep, then you won't go" but nothing seems to work. I became frustrated and thought the whole spontaneous ticket purchase was not a good idea after all.

It was time to get ready and leave the house. You got up from the bed and started jumping and screaming "yay, circus, yay".

 

Well, we finally made it and you loved it. You followed the animals and their tricks. You laughed at clowns and you clapped when it was time to clap. You were pointing your little fingers and saying "mama, see, sobaka (dog)". Overall, we all had a good time (if I forget of course the one hours of hectic negotiations with you).

P.S. After this, your daddy and I got tickets to a Disney on Ice performance. It'll be the first for the whole family as well but we have to patiently wait until February.

Our Three Year Old

Let's catch-up a little on what our little lady is up to:

1. I think the biggest accomplishment was that you were 100% potty trained a week before your third birthday. You just woke up that day and decided you didn't need diapers anymore to do #2 business. At that point you were already wearing big girl panties but still asked for diapers to do #2.

2. With you potty trained, I was finally able to breath a little. I think I mentioned earlier that you refused to poop for 3-4 days in a row. It would hurt after and you would ask for diaper and only then you would do your #2 business. The pediatrician wanted us to try medicine but I didn't want to get you hooked on some random medicine for 2-3 months. I was relieved when you started asking for #1 and #2.

3. Let's just finish with all this potty stuff, shall we? After talking last year to a few parents, I've heard stories how their kids woke them up in the middle of the night, every single night, and asked to go potty. I was sort of dreading that moment. We were finally getting a full night sleep and I just couldn't imagine waking up in the middle of the night again. Well, baby girl, I think you are an exception. You don't wake up at night to go potty. I thank you for that!

4. However, you do wake us up for a few minutes when you march into our room with your pillow in tow, climb our bed, and fall asleep. And this happens pretty much every single night. Sometimes, you forget to bring the pillow and either I or you daddy has to get up. Sometimes you bring more than just your pillow. Your little lady bug projector and your blanket sometimes end up in our room as well.

5. You still love your gymnastics class. You started the gymnastics class at a new school and you tell us you never want to go back to the old one. The new class is more advanced and I would say more challenging. Your teacher is Russian speaking lady who usually talks to you in Russian. Once you got comfortable with her, you tell her stories when we walk in the class and you always want to get her attention when you are doing gymnastics. "Lana, Lana, see chto ya delau" ( look what I can do).

6. You know the colors, the ABC in English and know almost all letters in Russian, and numbers you can say numbers in both languages up to 20.

7. You can write certain words, especially if I spell it out to you letter by letter. You love writing your name in both English and Russian on all your art projects.

8. You are very carrying towards your cousin Alyssa. You give her toys. You kiss her every time you get out of the grandpa's car. You always want her to come in and play with you. You treat her like a little doll.

9. You are my dancing queen, young and sweet only three year old. Baby girl, you just LOVE to dance and you are so good at it. Your body starts moving right when the music starts. You make your own moves and love when people watch you. Sometimes you say "vistupaet Ariela" (Ariela performing") and start dancing and singing.

10. You like singing just as much. You amaze me at how many songs you know already. I have to give credit to your daddy. Every morning he turns on the music in the car when he drives you to daycare.

11. You are still attending the Russian Sunday school and you already feel comfortable with Nellya (Russian language teacher) and you have yet to like Larissa (the music teacher). You are learning songs, dance, and New Year's rhymes for an upcoming holiday performance.

12. You are so grown-up for your age. You continue to amaze me with your language skills. Your sentences are structured and include complex words/phrases. Faina, the daycare owner, tells us how you don't like to waste your words and usually express yourself like a grown-up person.

13. I've noticed you are a bit shy at first around new people but once you feel comfortable you'll want to show them your room, toys, dance moves, art projects, books, and so on.

14. You like playing with dolls now. You pretend they are your little babies. Your feed them, cover them with a blanket, soothe them, and rock them to sleep. Sometimes, I play with you in your room. You like trading places with me. I get into your bed and pretend I am you. You pretend you are me and start playing like it is my time to go to bed. You use my words and phrases (pora spat', zakrivai glazki, bistren'ko spat'). I always have a laugh when I hear you talk like me.

15. You are finally ready to have a sibling or so you say at least. I think because everyone around you either have or soon will have a sibling, you probably feel left out. Now you say to us that you want a sister and a brother. I remind you how only a few months ago you wanted to be the only child. You reply that you were little yourself and now you are older and ready.

I keep writing in all of my blog posts how much we love you. Baby girl, never forget how deeply we feel for you. You brighten our days with your smile and laughter. You are our world now and our lives evolve around you. I hope and pray for you to have a long, beautiful life ahead of you. I hope and pray for you to have good and kind people around you. I really hope you will grow up to be kind, compassionate, and smart individual (and hope we will be around long enough to see). The day we found out we were expecting you, we had no idea how you would change our lives for the best and how much love we had to give you. Our love still grows for you with every single minute of the day. We love you to infinity and beyond!

Love,
Mom (and Dad).

Going Through Cycles Again

I still have a few posts to write about our last year's outing and holidays but I just want to take a moment and write about today.

Today is the day AF came. Today is the day we are starting cycle #4 of trying. I know I haven't updated the blog with the news that we've decided to expend our family. But here we are. Three cycles and AF showed up every time. Three cycles and who knows how long it will take. 7 cycles like last time? Less? More? Who knows?

After AF showed up the first time, on that exact day I got a phone call from my brother. They've told us their great news. They were expecting #2 and were already 10 weeks pg. Don't get me wrong. I am happy for them and excited. I hope this time they won't have to go through any complication and will have a healthy baby this summer. A few of my girlfriends are also knocked up with #2s.

Before I got the phone call, I was crushed. I am upset and in denial. For some weird reason I thought I was already pg after the first cycle. For some unknown to me reason I convinced myself that the second time around won't be as long as the first. (Now, I know there are people who go through years before getting pregnant and/or having medical procedures. I know because I have friends like that too. I feel for them). Was I stupid, naive? Maybe. Maybe I was just hopeful.

The first cycle hit me hard. The second cycle was a bit better for me emotionally. I was busy planning Miss A's bday party, a few more bdays were happening, and of course the holidays were coming up. Now that everything is behind us and the New Year has started, I was hoping that cycle #3 was the lucky one. Boy was I wrong again. AF came a day early.

I am charting and last cycle I use OPKs. I am more aware of my body and what it is going through every cycle. I know when the right moment is but we haven't had no luck yet.

I am getting emotional this cycle again (maybe it is the PMS). I feel like my body is way behind my heart and mind. I feel like I am failing my husband who is finally ready to be a daddy again. I feel like I am failing Miss A who is finally ready to have a sibling. I feel like I failing myself. I am putting pressure on myself too. All the thoughts about the age gap getting even larger with every cycle and me not getting any younger, and other random thought are making me stressed right now.

I am staying hopeful that we will get our BFP soon, really, really soon.

P.S. Can't believe I am using acronyms like AF, OPK, and BFP again.

Happy 3rd Birthday!

My darling, my love, my friend!

You turned three years old on 11/16. How in the world did it happen? Yes, I know every year we get  older but has it really been a year? The days pass us by in a blink of an eye.

The night of your birthday I stayed up late and watched the videos with your daddy from the night you were born. I cried, laughed, and was just amazed of how we got the best present we could ever hope for. I still remember the night you were born but some details are blurry. Those videos made me re-live the night we became your parents. The night that we waited for so long. The night that changed our lives completely.

Ahh...I am getting emotional again, just wiped the tears.

When you woke up we wished you a Happy Birthday. You found balloons and presents in the living room. As always, you weren't too fascinated by gifts but the whole process of opening them up was fun. You went to daycare and celebrated your bday with your friends. Your daddy and I picked you up earlier and were hoping to take you downtown for a ice skating show and tree lightning ceremony with Disney characters. But Mother Nature had different plans. It was raining hard and we had to change the plans. We asked you what you wanted to do and you said  you wanted to go to get cake and then go to a "susi restaurant" where we celebrated my birthday. Your wish was our command. We drove to the bakery where we got different little cakes and ordered a big one for your upcoming party.

Then, off we went to a restaurant. We drove around for 15 minutes until we found parking. Your gpa and gma were supposed to show up but at the end they didn't. You were crushed and kept asking why they didnt' come (it is a whole different story).

We had a very yummy dinner. You got your usual salmon teriyaki, miso soup, and you even tried some of our sushi. We took some pics in the restaurant and wished you Happy Birthday again.

At home, we finally lit the candles and enjoyed the goods from the bakery.

Your father and I thought long and hard what to do for your bday. Finally, we agreed that you would really enjoy a gymnastic class with all of your (and our) friends. We invited all of your besties from daycare and some of our friends' kids came too. A total of 18 kids and about 30 adults showed up to celebrate.

This is a party you just can't skip
It's gymnastics and you are going to flip
We'll jump, roll and hop
The fun will never stop!
Ariela's 3rd birthday will be great
Please join us to celebrate!

 



You had such a great time! You absolutely loved your party! You got a chance to do you favorite thing (gymnastics) with a bunch of your friends. What could be better than that? At the end, all of your guests could go on a boat with the slide. Since you are already a master at climbing that boat and your friends couldn't follow you, you stayed and helped them one by one to get on that boat. It really showed your carrying personality.

After all the fun, we ate and enjoyed the cake. You danced a little to your favorite tunes "Gummy Bear" and it was time to wrap up the party.

Our house looked like Toys R Us store for a while. I am sure all other kids would open their gifts right away and not let them just stand there. Your unwrapped all of them but only a few caught your attention. You amaze me. No, you really do. I still can't comprehend it all. We were taking some toys to the car and finally you asked where we are taking them. We told you we were going to exchange them for more interesting and educational stuff. I was waiting for a protest to start from your side but you just turned and asked "what can I carry?" You had no problem returning/exchanging your toys. You kept some puzzles and other educational gifts but you said you don't need the Cinderella with the carriage (seriously, I think other girls would flip over it), don't need the karaoke machine, don't need and won't play with other stuff.

I tell you I love you everyday. I am not sure if it is possible but my love still grows everyday.
Sometimes I just sit and look at you and can't believe you are our daughter. I can't believe that you are truly ours. It is hard to explain all of my feelings but just know I love you to infinity and beyond!

Mama

Halloween 2012

I am trying to catch-up with all of the events that happened in the last few months.

First of all, let me just say that the holidays now have a whole different meaning now that you are old enough to understand and enjoy it.

Halloween was fun! You dressed up as a little leopard ballerina with a black and pink tutu, cat ears, and black little nose. It suited you perfectly. It was sassy, girly, and adorable.

 I left work early that day and came to your daycare where you had a little party with all of your friends. Later, we met with my friends and their kids at the mall to go trick or treating but by the time we got there, all the candy was gone. We next drove to a very nice area where lots of the houses were decorated and almost everyone opened their doors to give some candy to kids.

You and Eli went from one house to another collecting candy. Sometimes you said "trickortweat" and sometimes you didn't. Sometimes you said "Tank you" and sometimes you didn't. I definitely had to remind you to be polite. Most of the time you just handed your little orange candy bag and waited for the sweet stuff.

I think you mostly liked the idea of running from one house to another. It wasn't even the candy that got you excited. It was the running and ringing the bell (trying to ring it first before Eli).

It wasn't until other kids started opening and eating some of their candy that you asked for one too. Honestly, you weren't into it at all even though we all know you like your chocolate.

Another highlight of the night was the house with the scary spider. If you came close to the house, the spider would pop up next to the bush and since it was dark outside nobody saw it. The little kids in front of us screamed and got scared. You, my little girl, got a little scared at first but then went back to the spider 3-4 times and ran back to me everytime.

At the end, we went home and you told Daddy how you spent your evening "trickortweating".
We took some pics at home in your costume. You told us you want to wear the same costume next year and go get more candy.

P.S. We are now in January and still have a bunch of Halloween candy left. I think you only ate 3-4 total, but don't worry, Mom will help you out :)